I do consider myself a writer, but I have realized that the amount I have been writing has been lacking recently. I occasionally get sucked into the black hole that is reality tv programming (Project Runway, Real Housewives of the OC, and Downsized) and Daytime Court Shows (Judge Joe Brown, The Peoples Court, and Judge Mathis). I also despite my best intentions get sucked into celebrity news gossip from the likes of TMZ. And to be honest, even though, I pride myself on loving high quality books, movies, and television. Just as I’m sure Anthony Bourdain has a low-class candy bar once in a while, I allow myself to rot my brain out with the likes of junk food television.
Someone said something to the effect of “Writer’s write, this is what I do,” however, try as I might to find any proof of it via the acceptance speech transcripts of the Oscars, I cannot find the quote.
However, Thomas Berger has a decent quote about writers that I think makes up for my wonky brain.
Why do writers write? Because it isn’t there.
So, basically, I was shamed into feeling bad because I haven’t written much. Although, just as Daniel O’brien from Cracked.com has stated, “The More You Talk About the Book You’re Writing, The Less You’ve Written” in his article about bizarrely Specific Stereotypes You Can’t Help But Notice. (It’s the #1 stereotype.)
Now writing is hard, that’s a fact. There’s something about creating an entire universe or world from nothing except your own brain and maybe a bit of experience. Imagination is key, and in a world of recycled ideas, where even people with their unique DNA have become carbon-copies of each other. So I do have trouble writing. However, I’ve been using a few key tools to do my writing as of late.
1) Learn to Speak Oneida
I like the idea of preserving the native languages. According to my mother, who has since passed, my father was part Native American. I am sure that learning my native language is going to take a very long time. Unlike my neglected Spanish there really are not people out there speaking Oneida all day.
It is my goal to learn at least one of the languages indigenous to America, I have chosen Oneida because I am from the New York region and barring finding out that my father’s ancestors spoke Navajo or something else, I am going to have to just pick something and learn it. I hope that is not offensive but I really want to just preserve what hundreds of years of flawed language policy has destroyed.
2) Learn to Breakdance or Melbourne Shuffle.
I happen to believe that everyone in the world should know how to do at least one amazing thing that most other people cannot do. Many people know how to breakdance and Melbourne Shuffle (Or if you are in Melbourne I am sure it is just The Shuffle), but I do not and I think it is amazing. I also remember watching movies where the hero would amaze some woman with his awesome dancing skills, usually some kind of ballroom dancing or tap, I don’t like tap or ballet or froufrou ballroom dancing.
I like the gritty reality of doing dances born out of abject poverty or ones that involved copious amounts of ketamine and MDMA. So either I would like to learn to breakdance well or Melbourne shuffle to a level that would make someone male or female, I really do not care, swoon.
3) Get a book published
I mean for real published. Being self-published or self-epublished will not count. I want some company to say to me, this book is good and we want to pay you for the rights to publish this book and market it and make you go on book tours. Any other option is not a real accomplishment. I want to be a Writer, and while I have received payments for writing, in my mind to be a real writer it means I have to receive payment to publish a book. Therefore, for me to die happy I have to have a published book.
4) Complete NaNoWriMo
I have very unsuccessfully attempted this feat of writing 50,000 words for a novel during the month of November twice. I plan to attempt this again. Considering that I want to be a Professional Writer (with all the cool corporate sponsorships and Gatorade Commercials), it should not really be a feat for me to write 50,000 words in one month. Even if it is 50,000 words no better than those terrible Goosebumps books that I used to read to add length to the Drop Everything and Read challenge. Join Here.
5) Complete Script Frenzy
For the very same reason I state above for NaNoWriMo. Did you know I thought up a very similar yet totally 100% better than that Hot Tub Time Machine? Well, now you know. However, I totally did not even attempt to write that script. Why didn’t I? Well, aside from the fact that I am ass lazy, I am also a jerk. Therefore, I am going to do this even if it kills me because damn it I must.
6) Master Spanish
I should be able to speak Spanish. If you knew anything about my background, which you do not, you would know that I should be able to speak Spanish. I have relatives from both Ecuador and Puerto Rico, so seriously I should know how to speak Spanish at a level slightly above inebriated 12-year-old child. Currently there are probably children who have watched 12 episodes of Dora the Explorer that can speak Spanish at a level that would put me to shame.
7) Visit Ireland, Britain and Scotland
I love that area and rather than be an ass and refer to it improperly I named them separately. I think that if there were past lives and all that nonsense that I was an aging British dude who kept wishing he could go back to his motherland but died in America for some reason. So for that reason, I must find myself visiting until that old dead dude is satisfied.
8) Learn to play something very complicated on the Violin
I played violin all thru middle school and high school, I had played for a little in elementary school but had eschewed that in favor of being popular and wearing clothes from the gap. My quest to be popular did not last. I tested in the top 5 percent on a standardize test was taken out of my classes and studied such wonderfully fun things like the origination of laws, which being in the 4th grade definitely destroyed all hopes at being part of the popular crowd. Nevertheless, I gave up playing the violin and eventually restarted never being able to excel at a level above the minor effort I put in. I figure if I start playing again sometime before I hit 35, when I’m so old I don’t want to live any more I should be able to play a song complex and beautiful that makes junkies decide to quit shooting junk.
9) Sequence my DNA
I want to find out everything I can about my history. I have seen on some nighttime talk show people sequencing their DNA and finding their ethnic lineage. I want to find out my roots. It would be awesome.
10) Get Married in Vegas Dressed as Elvis
Doing something silly is a necessity; I would love to do this. Just once for fun.
11) See Neophyte Play Live
I love Neophyte, I’ve been listening to his awesomeness for years. And it just stands to argue that I need to meet him. He doesn’t play in the States often so I’d most likely have to go to Europe to see him and the Masters of Hardcore. But I’d be with the Army of Hardcore so why not.
Here’s his song “Always Hardcore” to show you one example of his great music:
Here’s a more recent song by Neophyte:
12) Buy Something Super Expensive
I am not talking about a big screen TV or a Car. I am talking about something that has no right being expensive, like a $2,000 purse or a pair of shoes that the money used to purchase it could feed and clothe 10 families in Zimbabwe. I want to do something so terribly consumerist and utterly American. Something that after owning it for 15 minutes I just say to myself, I have to take this back but know that the store does not accept returns.
So, what is in your bucket list? Is there something that I should have in my bucket list that I don’t have? Let’s get this conversation going.